Exceptional Serial Presently Named 'Untitled'

FORWARD: Chapisodes are still being written, however, without a working computer it is difficult to put them online. This problem will eventually be solved, but in the meantime, enjoy an overdose of your favorite show where you get to create the visuals.

Chapisode 5                                                          Previous Chapisodes: 1 2 3 4

"Our Hero Goes to See The Spin Doctors"

(TREY is in the living room, listening to the stereo. The TV is also on. DAD is watching it from the kitchen as a Hooters commercial comes on.)

Dad: "That reminds me, we should go back to Hooters soon. Maybe on a Tuesday, so you can show off those supposed trivia skills of yours."

Trey: "How about next week?"

Dad: "Deal."

(TV is back from commercial - it is tuned to CNN.)

Dad: "Trey, can you turn the volume up? I can't hear it over the stereo!"

(TREY turns up the volume on the TV.)

CNN Broadcaster: "...Democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both gave speeches today in New York, trying to attract voters just ten days before the state's primary. The two candidates will face off in a debate next week right here in Suburban."

(A song by the Spin Doctors comes on the radio.)

Trey: "Awesome, I love these guys!"

(TV shows clips from Clinton and Obama's speeches, under the heading 'On the Campaign Trail.')

Trey: "Hey, Dad, why is it called the campaign trail? I mean, why not a 'campaign path?' Or a 'campaign superhighway?'"

Dad: "I'm pretty sure there weren't a whole lot of superhighways around when they came up with that term."

(TREY nods and pays attention to the music, while the TV continues to show highlights from the candidates' speeches.)

Dad: "Oh, by the way, we're going to see these guys."

Trey (excitedly): "Really? That's awesome! Thanks, Dad!"

Dad: "Yeah, I thought you'd appreciate that. So, keep Tuesday night free, okay?"

Trey: "Before or after Hooters?"

Dad: "Oh, that's right. Well, I guess we'll have to go to Hooters some other time. Preferably, some night when I'm drunk, but I'm not sure if I can trust you to drive."

Trey (groans): "DAD! You know I can drive! You were going to buy me a car if I got a job, right?"

Dad: "Hey, that offer's off the table."

Trey: "But you know I can drive!"

Dad: "Yeah. Maybe."

(The stereo changes songs as DAD walks into the living room.)

Trey: "It's really nice outside. Is it cool if I go downtown for a while?"

Dad: "If you want. Did you eat anything yet?"

Trey: "No I'll probably get something while I'm out."

Dad: "Alright. Be home by ten."

(TREY leaves the house and walks to the bus stop. Soon he is downtown, across from a car dealership. He gets off the bus and walks onto the lot.)

Car Salesman: "Hey, Trey! What's going on, buddy?"

Trey: "Hey, Brownie! I didn't know you worked here!"

Brownie: "Not only work here - you're talking to Mr. Barry Brown, manager of this whole place."

Trey: "Really? Wow, congrats man! I can't believe that!"

Brownie: "Well a strong voice and a wide smile will sell a lot of people. That's what it's about, Trey. Not selling the cars - selling yourself. And what can I say - people like me."

Trey: "Well, being the former star quarterback on the best high school team in the state probably doesn't hurt either, I'd imagine."

Brownie (smiles): "I'm sure it's helped me sell a car or two."

Trey (laughs, then nods in the direction of a blonde checking out a car): "I'd better let you work your magic."

Brownie: "Can you hang around for a few minutes? I want to talk to you about something."

Trey: "I'm actually going across the street real quick, but I can come back."

Brownie: "Please do."

Trey: "Alright, I'll see you later. Good luck with the blonde."

Brownie: "I think I got this, she keeps staring over here. Time to turn on the charm."

Trey: "Remember, you're selling her a CAR, Brownie."

Brownie: "I'm selling Barry, baby!"

Trey: "Right." (BARRY heads toward the blonde; TREY crosses the lot to the other side and crosses the street to Mama's Pizza.)

Woman at counter: "Hello, young man. What can I get for you?"

Trey: "Two slices of meatball, please."

Woman at counter: "Coming right up."

Trey: "Are...are you Mama?"

Woman at counter: "Yes. Why do you ask?"

Trey: "Just wondering."

(MAMA gets the slices for TREY. She does not appear interested in saying much.)

Mama: "Two meatball slices. Four dollars. Oh, anything to drink?"

Trey: "Four dollars! It went up. Oh well. I guess I'll have a Coke."

Mama: "We don't have Coke here. And before you ask, we don't have Sprite either."

Trey: "Yeah, I figured if you didn't have Coke, you wouldn't have Coke products. I know how this soft drink dichotomy works. How about a Mountain Dew?"

Mama: Mountain Dew it is. You know, you seem like a pretty bright kid. I'm a little short-handed around here, would you be interested in a job?"

Trey (surprised): "I don't know, I've got no pizza making experience."

Mama: "It's easy to pick up. I could start you at eight dollars an hour."

Trey: "Eight dollars an hour?"

Mama: "It's the best I can do. Although you'd also get all the pizza you can eat free of charge."

Trey: "That's very tempting."

Mama: "Take the rest of the weekend to think it over. Call me on Monday, and if you want the job, I'll start you Tuesday night. You should be able to make a lot of tips, with the big event at Monty Hall."

Trey (frowns): "You'd need me to start Tuesday night, huh?"

Mama: "Yes. We should be pretty busy, but I'll be here with you. If you want the job, I can start training you now, if you'd like."

Trey (sighs): "I don't want to commit one way or the other right now. I'm actually going across the street to talk to someone over there, but I'll let you know what I decide."

Mama: "Alright. Don't forget to call me on Monday and let me know!"

Trey: "I won't. And thanks for the pizza."

(TREY leaves and returns to the car dealership, pizza and soda in hand.)

Brownie: "Oh, you didn't bring me anything?"

Trey: "Brownie, I'm unemployed. You're selling luxury cars to hot blondes. If anyone's buying, it's you."

Brownie: "Well that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. See, I was watching SportsCenter a while back..."

Trey (under breath): "Uh-oh, here we go again..."

Brownie: "...and I happened to see a segment about a high school senior who sent a letter out to colleges..."

Trey (under breath): "It never ends! This letter will haunt me until the day I die."

Brownie: "...and I thought to myself..."

Trey (under breath): "Sure. Who else would he think to?"

Brownie: "...there's only one holder I know with the talent and the cojones to do something like that. And I realized, no one must have given you a scholarship, or you wouldn't have had to do that..."

Trey (under breath): "Unless he's some kind of crazy telepathic car dealer, then he could think to someone else, which might explain how he's in charge of a place like this but isn't even old enough to buy beer."

Brownie: "...so I figured, if you weren't going to college next year, you'd probably have to get a job, just so you're out of your old man's hair..."

Trey (under breath): "He can read MY DAD'S THOUGHTS TOO? That's impressive!"

Brownie: "...so I thought you might like to come work for me."

Trey: "Say what?"

Brownie: "You. Work here. Selling cars."

Trey: "Me? Selling cars? I can't sell cars! I can't even drive a car!"

Brownie: "Well then this would be a great way to learn. I could start you out slow, you know, answering the phonem making signs, doing detail..."

Trey: "'Doing detail,' I don't even know what that means!"

Brownie: "Relax. I haven't even been here two years and now I run the show, thanks to my ability to learn quickly and my people skills. And I know you can do both of those things as well as I can, if not better."

Trey: "These meatballs are amazing."

Brownie: "Trey?"

Trey: "Huh? Oh, sorry."

Brownie: "So what do you think? I could start you at eight dollars an hour, and the more you learn, the more responsibility I'll give you, and of course your pay will go up as well. Plus, I can get you a great deal on a car of your own."

Trey: "That's tempting. I can see why you sell so many cars."

Brownie (laughs): "Yes, sir! So what do you say?"

Trey: "I'll have to think about it."

Brownie: "No problem. I'll tell you what - I'm off tomorrow and Monday, so give me a call by Monday and if you want the job, we'll start you Tuesday night after school."

Trey: "Tuesday night. Always Tuesday night!"

Brownie: "What? Are you busy Tuesday night?"

Trey: "Yeah, I'm supposed to go to the Spin Doctors concert with my dad."

Brownie: "Oh, I didn't know they were in town."

Trey: "Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it too. But I'll think about it."

Brownie: "My man! I'm telling you, you'll love it here."

Trey: "Yeah, I knew that when I saw that blonde."

Brownie: "Oh, by the way - she wasn't staring at me, she was staring at you. Said she was your guidance counselor."

Trey (mouth open): "Are you kidding me?"

Brownie: "That's what I said! Where was she when I was in school?"

Trey: "I think she was in school too."

Brownie: "Man, it's only been two years! Anyway, she bought a car from me. She drove away right when you came back."

Trey: "Wow. Yeah, my dad and I kinda pissed her off, so now I'm banned from her office."

Brownie: "Are you serious? What did she do, catch you sneaking a peek?"

Trey: "Something like that. I want to apologize - so does my dad - but the school won't take his calls anymore. We looked her up, but she's not in the phone book."

Brownie: "Oh, that's too bad. I guess you're out of luck."

Trey: "I guess so." (pause) "Wait a second. You said she just bought a car from you, right?"

Brownie: "Yeah..."

Trey: "So that means she had to fill out some paperwork, no?"

Brownie: "That's how it works. So what?"

Trey: "So that means you've got her phone number!"

Brownie: "Well, yeah, I guess so."

Trey: "So you can give it to me, and my dad can call her and apologize!"

Brownie: "Whoa, hold on a minute. I can't just give out customers' personal information to my friends! It's unethical! Not to mention, highly illegal."

Trey: "Oh, come on, Brownie! What if I get my dad to, let's say, 'compensate' you. You know he's got money!"

Brownie: "Trey, I can't just go around trading favors for money!"

Trey: "Sure you can! It's called 'politics.'"

Brownie: "Well, that's not my kind of politics. Call me young and naive, but I believe that's morally wrong."

Trey: "Damn noble of you. I just hope you stay that way when the rest of the world comes knocking at your door."

Brownie: "Yeah. Me too."

Trey: "Well, it's getting late. I should be getting home."

Brownie: "Sorry I can't help you, Trey. It's nothing personal."

Trey: "I know."

Brownie: "Think about that job offer!"

Trey: "I will, Brownie. Thanks again."

(TREY leaves the dealership, gets on a bus, and goes home and falls asleep.)

THE NEXT NIGHT

(TREY is home alone, watching TV. DAD walks in the front door.)

Trey: "Hey Dad! Got a minute?"

Dad: "Sure. What's up?"

Trey: "Well, a lot, actually. Yesterday when I was downtown, I got two job offers."

Dad: "Good for you! I'm still not buying you a car."

Trey: "That's not what I wanted to talk about."

Dad: "Oh. Well, what is it, son?"

Trey: "These two jobs: one's at Mama's, that pizza place downtown. The other is at the car dealership across the street from there. To be honest, I don't really want to work at either. But I feel like I have to choose one or the other."

Dad: "Why don't you want to work at either?"

Trey: "I don't really care enough about cars or pizza to want to work with them. And even more, both places want me to start Tuesday night. But we have plans Tuesday night, and I really want to go."

Dad: "Ah, I see. Well it sounds like you've already made up your mind."

Trey: "But it's not that simple. See, believe it or not, I think I'd enjoy having a job. And there's...something else."

Dad: "Is it a woman?"

Trey: "It's your woman."

Dad: "What?"

Trey: "My friend at the car dealership, Barry Brown - guess who he sold a car to yesterday?"

Dad: "Who?"

Trey: "My guidance counselor."

Dad (jaw drops): "Ohhh."

Trey: "Yeah. Which means he has her phone number on record."

Dad: "Interesting."

Trey: "I know it. But he wouldn't give it to me. Said it was illegal and immoral."

Dad: "Well, he's right. So you're thinking..."

Trey: "...that if I worked there, it wouldn't be illegal. And I don't really care about the whole morality aspect."

Dad: "Good thinking. But if I told you to get this job just for my benefit, I wouldn't be a good father."

Trey: "Are you a good father?"

Dad: "You know, if you have to ask..."

Trey: "I mean, do you think of yourself as a good father?"

Dad (long pause): "I don't know. This whole thing sounds like your idea, but being that I raised you..."

Trey: "So what do you think I should do?"

Dad (pause): "I think you should do what you want. You're young - if you don't want this job, wait until you find one you do want. As for me, well, if I'm meant to apologize to this woman, it won't be at my son's expense, I know that. I'm sure another opportunity will present itself. If it doesn't, she's best left in the past. That's karma. I think."

Trey: "So your karma is telling me to say no to cars and to pizza?"

Dad: "Not exactly. All I'm saying is whatever you choose to do, I'll support you."

Trey: "Wow. You answered my question and your own."

Dad: "What was my question?"

Trey: "Whether or not you're a good father. To say something like that - that's about as good as it gets."

(Both are silent. They approach each other as if to hug in an extremely rare moment of father-son bonding and affection when suddenly, one of them flatulates.)

Trey and Dad: "It was you!"

(They back away from each other with wrinkled faces. There will be no bonding tonight.)

MONDAY

(TREY is alone in the kitchen. He picks up the phone and dials.)

Phone: "RING! RING! RING!"

Mama: "Hello, Mama's!"

Trey: "Yo Mama! This is Trey, from Saturday."

Mama: "Did you say 'yo?'"

Trey: "Yeah, I try and say 'Yo Mama!' whenever possible. I'm 17, you know."

Mama: "Right."

Trey: "Anyway, Mama, I've been giving this a lot of thought and I just don't think I can work for you."

Mama: "Why do you say that?"

Trey: "Well, I've noticed lately you've had to raise your prices. And you might want to hire another worker, but that's probably not a good business decision. See, you promise pizza prosperity, but the cost of cheese, sauce, and flour keep going up, and to be honest, I don't think you're going to make enough dough.

Phone: "CLICK." (TREY puts the phone down.)

Trey (to himself): "It's for the best. I couldn't work for someone who doesn't like puns."

(TREY takes a deep breath, picks up the phone again, and dials another number.)

Phone: "RING! RING! RING! RING! RING!"

Brownie (breathing heavily): "He...hello?"

Trey: "Brownie, is that you?"

Brownie: "Trey? Hey, man. WHOO!"

Trey: "You even answer the phone?"

Brownie: "Yeah, man. I told you that's where I'd start you. It's a bit of an urgent need."

Trey: "I can see...I mean, I can hear that."

Brownie: "So what's up, you think you'll take the job?"

Trey: "You know, it sounds good, but I just can't do it."

Brownie: "Oh, no way! Really?"

Trey: "Really."

Brownie: "Why don't you want to work here? In time, you could be my assistant manager!"

Trey: "Brownie, I don't know how you managed to...well, manage so soon, but from what I can tell, selling cars is an old man's game, full of grumpy men born during WW2 trying to take advantage of each other and, even moreso, of the customer. And if an honest young Brown man like yourself tries to make it all the way to the top, those people will do everything they can to make you fall harder than anyone who has come before. There's just too many ignorant, closed-minded fools out there to make everything you want to do possible. Also, I've never seen myself as Ass. Man. material."

Phone: "CLICK."

Dad (walking in): "Good to know my son isn't assman material. I'm a little concerned about who you talk to on the phone, however."

Trey: "It was...never mind."

TUESDAY

(TREY and DAD are in the car, driving on the highway.)

Trey: "I bet I can meet a girl before you can."

Dad: "You mean tonight?"

Trey: "Yeah."

Dad: "Why are you so sure about that?"

Trey: "Oh...no reason. But I bet you I could."

Dad (pauses as he laughs): "Alright, you're on. If you win, I'll raise your allowance."

Trey: "What if I lose?"

Dad: "I'll make you do more chores."

Trey: "But Dad, I don't do chores!"

Dad: "That's why you don't get an allowance."

Trey (pause): "Deal."

Dad (points out window): "Well, this is the exit. Do you want to stop and get some food?"

Trey: "Can we out afterwards? I don't want to miss the beginning."

Dad (smiles): "You're more mature than I give you credit for."

Trey: "Thanks Dad. And you're much, much less."

Dad (confused look): "I-"

Trey: "Hey, isn't this the way to Hooters?"

Dad: "I think you have to rub on the nipple and say 'abracadabra' three times."

Trey: "I mean...isn't Hooters in this direction?"

Dad: "Oh, yeah. It's right by Monty Hall."

Trey: "Monty Hall?"

Dad: "Yeah, that's where we're going. I tell people it was named after me, but nobody believes me."

Trey: "Nobody believes you because it's not true."

Dad: "But it would still be nice if somebody believed me!"

Trey (pointing out his window): "Is that it?"

Dad: "That's it."

Trey: "Alright! We're here!"

Dad: "And I found a parking space right near the building."

(DAD parks and exits the car. TREY grabs his bookbag and also gets out.)

Dad: "A bookbag? What, are you taking notes?"

Trey: "Yeah, kind of."

(They walk toward the entrance.)

Trey: "Wow, there sure are a lot of political posters and signs."

Dad: "Well, what did you expect? It's an election year."

Trey: "Isn't every year an election year?"

Dad: "Yeah, but every four years, people care a little bit. It's kind of like those 'Christians' who only go to church on Christmas and Easter."

(They come to the front entrance.)

Trey: "Dad, there's no line. I think we're late."

Dad: "We aren't that late. Come on."

(DAD buys two tickets and gives one to TREY. They go inside.)

Dad: "Let's go find a couple seats."

Trey: "Actually, can you save me a seat? I need to go to the bathroom."

Dad: "I can go with you if you want. I think it will be hard for you to find me when you get back."

Trey: "My dad is not walking me to the bathroom. There are people here!"

Dad: "Fine. I'll find two seats in the back."

Trey: "I'll be right there."

(DAD goes into the Main Hall while TREY heads toward the bathroom by walking downstairs.)

Girl: "Trey? What are you doing here?"

Trey: "Oh, hi Leah, it's good to see you too."

Leah (laughs): "Sorry. I just never expected to see you at something like this."

Trey: "Yeah, I recently bought into this whole 'bathroom' thing. It's a little inconvenient sometimes, but my bedroom has never smelled better."

(LEAH has a frightened look on her face.)

Trey: "I'm KIDDING."

Leah (relieved): "Oh, of course." (pretends to laugh) "I meant the whole debate thing, not the bathroom..."

Trey: "I know, I was making a jo- wait, the whole what?"

Leah: "The debate. You know, upstairs. Why we're here!"

(TREY quickly glances at his ticket stub, still in his hand. It reads: 'DEMOCRATIC DEBATE - MONTY HALL.')

Trey (jokingly): "You mean we're not at a Spin Doctors concert?"

Leah (laughs): "I just thought someone like you would be more likely to get drunk and, I don't know, throw tomatoes at the stage than to take this seriously. But I guess I was wrong about you, Trey." (LEAH smiles, takes out a pen, writes her name and number on his hand, and walks up the stairs.)

Trey (aloud, to nobody): "What the hell just happened?"

(TREY turns around and walks back up the stairs. He enters the Main Hall and finds DAD.)

Dad: "You took awhile. Was there a line for the bath-"

Trey: "YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO SEE THE SPIN DOCTORS!"

Dad: "I-what? No, I never said that. Fitting nickname, though."

Trey: "Last week, the Spin Doctors came on the radio, and you said that we were going to see them!"

Dad: "No, last week Obama and Clinton were on the television, and I said that we were going to see THEM."

(TREY clearly upset, turns and heads for the door.)

Dad: "Where are you going?"

Trey: "I'm leaving!"

Dad: "Good luck getting home."

Trey: "Fine, then I'm going to the garbage can."

Dad: "Why are you going to the garbage can?"

Trey: "I have to throw out six beers and two tomatoes."

Dad: "Wait just a minute, young man...TOMATOES?"

Trey: "That's cool that you don't care about the beer."

Dad: "Hey, if you want to make yourself throw up, that's your problem. You can't chug six beers, you don't drink! But I'd be worried if you were throwing tomatoes at the stage while drinking six cans of beer."

Trey: "You're right. I'll eat the tomatoes and throw six cans of beer at the stage!"

Dad: "That would sound like a great idea to a drunk person."

Trey: "I dare you to pound five of these and throw the last one at the stage!"

Dad: "Are you kidding? I wouldn't drink at something like this! And neither can you. That's unpatriotic. Do you want the terrorists to win? Do the Pledge of Allegiance!"

Trey (hesitates): "You mean...say the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Dad: "What? No, just put your right hand over your heart and kind of bow your head. You don't really need to know the words. But if you're wearing a hat, you better take it off, or people will think that you either have cancer or you hate America."

Trey: "Well don't worry, I know how to put my hand over my heart. I know all the words, too."

Dad (staring at TREY's hand): "What's on your...is that a girl's number? ALREADY? You got a girl's number before you even sat down?"

Trey: "Oh, that. Yeah, I guess I won, huh?"

Dad: "HOW does that HAPPEN? I lose a bet about meeting a woman...to my SON?" (pause) "Give me that bag." (snatches TREY's backpack)

Trey: "Oh yeah, that reminds me, I should go throw out those beer ca-"

Beer Can: "POP."

Dad (chugs entire beer): "Don't bother. BURRRPPP!" (pauses to catch breath after burp) "But you should probably keep me away from those tomatoes."

(DAD is going to town on the six pack. Meanwhile, TREY is listening to both Clinton and Obama speak. Eventually, the debate ends. There is a short break prior to the question and answer session.)

Trey: "Dad, I'm going down front. I want to talk to some of the candidates' people."

(DAD, beer in hand, points to the ceiling but says nothing. TREY makes his way to the stage.)

Obama Supporter: "Hello, young man! Good to see the younger generation is represented." (They shake hands.) "I saw a girl about your age just a minute ago, might that be 'Leah?'"

Trey (sees her number on his hand slightly smudged from the handshake) "About 5'6", skinny, brown with blonde highlights?"

Obama Supporter: "Yup. Hey, if Hillary Clinton looked like that, I'd tell you to vote for her! But I'm sorry to tell you son, she doesn't. So you might as well vote for Obama."

Trey: "Is that the best pitch you've got?"

Obama Supporter: "Hey, it works with a lot of guys your age."

Trey (sighs): "Yeah, I believe it. I think you should try something like, 'Obama. Hope Personified.'"

Obama Supporter: "Haha. Nice try, son, but leave the catchphrases to myself and the other professionals, okay?"

Trey: "Whoa, man. That's better than, 'If Hillary Clinton was a hot schoolgirl cheerleader I'd say vote for her, but she isn't, so you might as well vote for Obama!'"

Obama Supporter: "If you say so. I trust Barack Obama has your vote?"

Trey: "I don't want to commit one way or the other right now. I'm actually going across the room to talk to someone over there, but I'll let you know what I decide."

Obama Supporter: "Please do."

(TREY walks over to Clinton's supporters.)

Clinton Supporter: "Well hello! It's good to see the younger generation-"

Trey: "Represented?"

Clinton Supporter: (speechless)

Trey: "Hey, you didn't happen to see a girl, about 5'6", skinny, brown hair with blonde highlights?"

Clinton Supporter: "Why, you must be describing Senator Clinton!"

Trey: "Ah, no. Too bad, though. I think it's safe to say that would win her the election."

Clinton Supporter: "I'll be sure to tell her that!"

Trey: "Umm...right. Anyway, I had some questions about her campa- you know what, never mind. I don't think I can have a conversation with you."

Clinton Supporter: "Have a conversation with Hillary! She'll listen to you!"

(TREY heads back toward his seat. On the way, he passes LEAH, who slips a note into his jacket pocket.)

Leah (whispers): "That note I just gave you will make your legs weak."

Trey: "Well then I guess I've got a pocket full of kryptonite."

Leah (laughs): "Dammit, Trey, we are not at a Spin Doctors concert!"

(LEAH kisses TREY on the cheek and walks away. TREY walks back to DAD.)

Dad (gets up to hug TREY): "Hey, my son! There he is!"

Trey: "Dad, come on, there are PEOPLE here!"

Dad: "Where did you go?"

Trey: "Don't ask. Look, here come the candidates."

(The Q & A part begins.)

Dad: "Did you pick one?"

Trey: "No."

Dad: "You should. You know, by like...Novemberish?"

Trey: "Did you drink all six of those already?"

Dad: "BURRRRRRRRRP! Maybe."

Trey: "I don't have to call her, you know. I didn't think it would bother you."

Dad: "Call her, call her! It doesn't bother me. It just...surprised me, that's all. But you won the bet. No hard feelings."

Trey: "Good."

Dad: "I really don't even care."

Trey: "Great! Because I really want to call her. Oh yeah! She stuck something in my pocket. Hang on a sec..." (stands up)

Hillary Clinton: "Yes, young man, in the back?"

Trey (shocked): "Wha...me?"

Clinton: "Yes. Someone give him a mic!"

Trey: "I don't..."(TREY is handed a microphone)

Clinton: "By the way, I'd just like to say how good it is to see the young-"

Trey: "Younger generation represented. Got it. It's good to see the old folks still alive and kickin' too."

Clinton: (silent)

(The CLINTON SUPPORTER who spoke with TREY whispers something in CLINTON's ear.)

Clinton: "Ah, I'm told that you were talking to one of my campaign workers earlier, and that you...oh, YOU'RE the one who thought that if I was more physically attractive, I would get more votes."

Trey: "I'm sure I'm not the only one."

Clinton (laughs): "I don't think you understand how adults decide who to vote for."

Trey: "I don't think you understand men."

Clinton: "Well, I'd have to dispute that."

Trey: "I see. Mrs. Clinton...is there a Mr. Clinton?"

Clinton (over hysterical laughter): "Of course."

Trey: "And do you know everything about him?"

Clinton (blushes): "Not...EVERYTHING."

Trey: "I see. And this is the man you are supposed to know best, no?"

Clinton: "I suppose, yes."

Trey: "Ah. No further questions, your moderator."

Barack Obama: "Excuse me, Your Moderator, if you will permit, I'd like to ask the young man a few questions."

(THE MODERATOR happens to be the host of a popular, if controversial, FOX News program.)

Moderator: "What's with this 'Your Moderator' business?"

Clinton: "I believe we're pretending this is court, Your Moderator."

Moderator (laughs): "Ladies and gentlemen, in case you were unaware of this, we are not in court."

Trey: "Well dammit, Your Moderator, we are not at a Spin Doctors concert!" (audience laughs)

Moderator: "You're right, this is a no-Spin zone. Very well, Senator Obama, your witness."

Obama: "Young man, I'm curious, have you decided on a candidate?"

Trey: "I have not."

Obama: "And what do you expect will sway you in one direction or the other?"

Trey: "To be honest, Senator Obama, I am absolutely convinced that most of my generation hopes you are our next President. You're young, engaging, and haven't been in Washington long enough to be wholly consumed by it. I obviously wasn't around for it, but I imagine this is how the revolutionaries of the Sixties felt about JFK. It was a frightening time for America, and here's a new beacon of hope. But my generation is so apathetic and lazy, most of us won't even bother voting. Meanwhile, the older people, who are more likely to support John McCain or Senator Clinton, will make voting their top priority on Election Day. And between them, and who knows how many millions of people that think you're Muslim but still somehow criticize you for things said by your pastor (?), I don't know if hope is going to be enough.

Clinton: "Objection! Your Moderator, this is irrelevant to why the witness suggests I should get a makeover!"

Moderator: "Ummm...sustained?"

Trey: "Look, Senator Obama - I have no personal desire to bring race into play, because I like to think we're past that now, but honestly, some people out there are not. See, from what I can tell, politics is an old man's game, full of grumpy men born during WW2 trying to take advantage of each other and, even moreso, of the constituent. And if an honest young Brown man like yourself tries to make it all the way to the top, those people will do everything they can to make you fall harder than anyone who has come before. There's just too many ignorant, closed-minded fools out there to make everything you want to do possible."

Moderator: "That's enough, son. I think it's time for you to go. Security!"

(Two SECURITY GUARDS appear out of nowhere and apprehend TREY.)

Dad: "Don't you DARE lay a hand on my son for speaking the truth!"

Trey: "Dad, I think the judge is having me held in contempt!"

Dad: "Don't worry, son, I'll save you!" (Starts running toward TREY drunkenly.)

Security Guard: "Somebody get that guy!"

(Two more SECURITY GUARDS tackle DAD, knocking him to the ground. They search his bag.)

Security Guard 2: "Well, well, well. Six empty beer cans. Somebody's drunk!"

Leah (from behind TREY): "I knew you had beer in that bookbag! I was right about you all along! I'm taking my note back!" (She reaches into the jacket pocket she put the note in earlier.) "What is th- a tomato? TWO TOMATOES?"

Trey: "Leah, wait, I can explain! I didn't drink the beers, and I wasn't going to throw the tomatoes at the stage!"

Leah: "Oh, sure. What, were you planning on eating the tomatoes and throwing the beers instead?"

Dad: "Hey, that sounds like a GREAT idea!"

(SECURITY GUARDS lead them to the exit.)

Trey: "Leah! I'm sorry!"

Leah: "Goodbye, Trey. And by the way...don't call me."

Moderator: "Does anyone have any other questions or requests for the candidates?"

Dad: "Play 'Two Princes!'"

Trey: "DAMMIT, DAD, WE ARE NOT AT A SPIN DOCTORS CONCERT!" (fade)

Chapisode 5 has been pushed back a week due to the author's previous commitment to the NBA trade deadline. Check back in next week! By the way, Ben Wallace got traded to the Cavaliers. Take my word for it.

Exceptional Serial Presently Named 'Untitled'

Chapisode 4                                          Previous Chapisodes: 1 2 3

"Our Hero Goes Job Hunting (continued)"

(That night, at home. Phone rings in kitchen, TREY rushes in to pick it up.)

Trey: "Hello?"

Dad: "Hey, son! So, what kind of car do you want?"

Trey: "That's funny, Dad. REAL funny."

Dad: "What, you mean you didn't get a job yet? Do you realize what's on the line here? Don't worry about finding a perfect job. Even if you only get minimum wage, you'll be getting minimum wage plus a car."

Trey: "Well, I missed a bus or two and ended up walking all over town. I thought it would be a good idea to go to the unemployment office, but they wouldn't help me."

Dad: "Are you kidding? What kind of unemployment office doesn't help the unemployed?"

Trey: "I know, that's what I said! And this woman goes on to tell me how they're understaffed right now, so I ask her why they don't hire any of the unemployed people like me who come see her looking for work?"

Dad: "That would make sense. They wouldn't even have to put an ad in the paper."

Trey: "And by turning unemployed people into job seekers for other unemployed people, this method could help stabilize the economy."

Dad: "And she said you weren't qualified to work there? I'm not even sure what you MEANT with that last sentence, but it made sense anyway. That's a talent, son. A talent not to be wasted in the vast underbelly of an unemployment office."

Trey: "Ha. So you're trying to give me some fatherly advice?"

Dad: "No. I'm trying to give you a car." (silence) "Good night, son." (click) (fade)

(The Next Day - TREY gets off the city bus triumphantly. He walks into the nearest business, which happens to be a Chinese Restaurant.)

Asian Girl: (in Engrish) "Hello. I can be helping you?"

Trey: (sighs) "Yes, please. Do you have an application?"

Asian Girl: "Noo, noo! I am a Chi-neeeeese. I not knowing the Aplak Asians."

Trey: "Oh boy. Never mind the Aplak Asians...are you hiring?"

Asian Girl: "Noo! I am Hii-Shing! Hii-Ring wash dishes!"

Trey: (growing increasingly frustrated) "Who would I talk to about getting a job?"

Asian Girl: (pause) "I say, you do go to un-em-ploy-ment office?"

Trey (takes a deep breath, clenches and unclenches fists) "Is there someone else I could talk to?"

Asian Girl: "Yes, please do!" (walks away)

(TREY stares at her in disbelief. Soon after she leaves, an OLD ASIAN MAN and a YOUNG ASIAN MAN come to the counter).

Trey: "Excuse me, do you work here?"

Old Asian Man: (nods head)

Trey: "I was wondering, do you have any job openings?"

Old Asian Man: (nods head)

Trey: "You do? Great! Can I have an application?"

Old Asian Man: (shakes head no)

Trey: "What? Why not?"

Old Asian Man: (stares blankly)

Young Asian Man: "You've got to ask him yes or no questions."

Trey: (looks at OLD ASIAN MAN) "Oh. He doesn't talk?"

Old Asian Man: (shakes head no)

Trey: (looks back at YOUNG ASIAN MAN) "Well then, maybe you can help me. I'm trying to apply for a job, and if I understood this man (nods toward OLD ASIAN MAN) correctly, he just said you needed some help."

Young Asian Man: "I highly doubt he just said anything."

Trey: "Well, you know, in his own headshaky language, he did. But then I asked for an application, and he said...er, he shook no."

Young Asian Man: (smiles) "Ah. It is because you aren't Chinese."

Trey: "What? Really?"

Young Asian Man: "Yes, really. You are not Chinese. Am I wrong?"

Trey: "Well, no, I'm not. I'm just surprised that's the reason you won't hire me."

Young Asian Man: "We are an authentic Chinese restaurant, and as such, we only hire people who can speak the language."

Trey: "Wait...but...this guy can't speak ANY language! Can't you fire him and hire me? I mean, at least I speak SOMETHING!"

Young Asian Man: (frowns) "That's my father. I will not fire my handicapped father and replace him with a complete stranger."

Trey: "Man, it's 2008. You can't not hire someone because of their race."

Young Asian Man: "Well, by the Chinese calendar, it's the Year of the Rat."

Trey: "I...I don't know what you mean by that."

Young Asian Man: "That's why you can't work here."

Trey: "Fine. By the way, I have to ask...you guys don't really serve dog, do you?"

Young Asian Man: (smiles) "That's a secret that is known only by our employees. Which you will never be."

Trey: (gags slightly)

Young Asian Man: "Have a nice day! Please, take a fortune cookie on your way out."

Trey: "Is there dog in it?"

Young Asian Man: "That's a secret that is known only by our employees." (pause) "I'm kidding, of course. Please, take one."

(TREY takes a fortune cookie.)

Trey: "Will I get a job today?" (opens cookie, reads fortune)

Fortune: "NEXT TIME, ASK A MAGIC 8-BALL." (TREY crumples the paper and puts it in his pocket)

Young Asian Man: "Best of luck finding a job!"

Trey: "Yeah, thanks." (TREY leaves)

Young Asian Man: (turns to his father, the OLD ASIAN MAN) "These kids, they come in here and try to take our jobs away from us! Who do they think they are?"

Old Asian Man: "Mexicans." (fade)

(Later that day - TREY again gets off of the bus and walks into the nearest business. This time, it's a regular restaurant - a Friendly's)

Waitress: "Hello, are you by yourself today?"

Trey: (looks around; no one is near him) "Yes."

Waitress: "Alright, why don't you follow me?"

Trey: (follows her to a table)

Waitress: "Now, can I get you something to drink?"

Trey: "Actually, I was just wondering if you guys are hiring waiters?"

Waitress: "Oh. Actually, yes we are."

Trey: "Hey, great! Could I get an application?"

Waitress: "Sure! Hang on a minute, I'll be right back with one."

Trey: "Thanks."

(WAITRESS returns a minute later, emptyhanded.)

Waitress: "I'm sorry, we don't have any more applications up front. I can make you a copy in a minute, but someone's using the copier right now. Would you like a drink while you wait?"

Trey: "Sure. Can I get a Mountain Dew?"

Waitress: "Sorry, we only have Coke products."

Trey: "Oooh, really? Well, I'll take the Coke equivalent of a Mountain Dew. I guess that would be a Sierra Mist?"

Waitress: "In fact, Sierra Mist is a Pepsi product too. We don't carry anything that's like Mountain Dew."

Trey: "Wait, Mountain Dew and Sierra Mist are both Pepsi products? Wow, they're not very imaginative in their naming process, eh?"

Waitress: "What do you mean?"

Trey: "Well 'Sierra,' you know, like the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and then 'mist,' which is a lot like 'dew...'

Waitress: "We have Sprite, would you like a Sprite?"

Trey (sighs): "I'll just have a Coke."

(WAITRESS leaves. Shortly after, she returns and hands TREY an application, a pen, and a glass of Sprite. She then leaves again, and TREY begins filling out the application. After a few minutes, he finishes, just as she comes back to his table.)

Waitress: "How are you doing?"

Trey: "Great, I just finished. Can you submit this for me?"

Waitress: "Actually, the manager just got here. We can give you an interview now if you want."

Trey: (surprised) "Sure, that sounds great!"

Waitress: "Alright. Here's your bill for the drink, just stand up front for a minute, she'll be right there!"

Trey: "Alright, thank you!"

(WAITRESS walks away again. TREY goes up front, pays his bill and waits. Before long, the manager - a large old blonde woman - comes out.)

Manager: "Hello there, - I'm sorry, I didn't even look, what's your first name?"

Trey: "Trey, what's yours?"

Manager: "I'm Mrs. Reid."

Trey: "Oh, sorry, I thought we were on a first name basis."

Manager: "Well, since I'm your superior, it would only be appropriate for you to refer to me more formally than I would refer to you."

Trey: "Well, you aren't my superior yet."

Manager: "Just because you haven't been hired yet doesn't mean I'm not your superior."

Trey: "Ex-CUSE me?"

Manager: "I am older than you, after all."

Trey: "Just because someone's older than someone else doesn't make them a superior person. In fact, the older you get, the more inferior you become."

Manager: (takes a deep breath) "Let's just talk about the job, okay. Now, do you have any experience with food?"

Trey: "Well, I've been eating it for years."

Manager: "I mean, have you worked in a restaurant before?"

Trey: "Oh. No. Actually, I've never worked anywhere before."

Manager: "Ah. You see, we, like most places, usually don't hire waiters without any experience."

Trey: "Wait a minute. So you're saying that you need experience to get a job, but you need to have a job to get experience."

Manager: "Exactly."

Trey: "But that doesn't make sense! It's like, 'What came first, the chicken or the egg?'"

Manager: "Yes. We serve both chicken and eggs here, but not at the same time of the day. So I guess the answer would be the egg, since it's a breakfast food."

Trey: (speechless)

Manager: "I'll tell you what. I really don't like you, but I want to be fair. So I'll ask the waitress who served you what she thinks of you. She's my assistant manager, so if she likes you, we'll hire you. Just a minute."

(The MANAGER goes to talk to the WAITRESS for a minute. The MANAGER then returns to TREY.)

Manager: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline your request for a job."

Trey: "What? Really? What did she say?"

Manager: "That really doesn't matter. The point is, it wasn't good."

Trey: "What? You've got to be kidding! We got along great!"

Manager: "I'm sorry. I hope you find a job, but it won't be here."

(The MANAGER walks away. TREY walks back to his old table to ask the WAITRESS, who is standing there with her arms crossed, why she didn't like him.)

Trey: "Hey, I don't get it. You didn't like me?"

Waitress: "Did you think I'd give you a good review? You were a horrible customer."

Trey: "How was I a horrible customer?"

Waitress: "Are you serious? Well, you didn't know that Sierra Mist was a Pepsi product-"

Trey: "So what?"

Waitress: "So what? You see, that's not a good attitude to have. What if a customer wants to know? You can't tell them the wrong thing!"

Trey: "I don't see why that one thing is such a big deal."

Waitress: "Oh, there's more. I mean, as soon as you walked in, you should have asked for an application. Don't wait until after I seat you!"

Trey: "What does it matter? I wanted to fill it out sitting down! I bought something, I paid for it, why do you care?"

Waitress: "Why do I care? I care because you sitting in that table drinking a soda meant that someone else who might have been eating a whole meal WASN'T sitting there. Do you see how busy it is? What if a family of four came in and ordered dinner? I just lost out on about ten dollars, at least! And that's another thing - you didn't leave me a tip! Not a penny! You sat at that table for about half an hour, and left me NOTHING!"

Trey: "I bought a SODA! It cost A DOLLAR AND FIFTY CENTS! Do you want fifteen percent of that? Here!" (TREY throws a quarter onto her tray, turns around, and leaves. He gets on a bus and heads home. DAD is home waiting for him.)

Dad: "Hey hey hey, did your fortunes improve any today?"

Trey: (sighs) "Next time, ask the magic 8-ball." (fade)

Coming Next Week - Chapisode 5: "Our Hero Pursues Trivia"

Exceptional Serial Presently Named 'Untitled'

Chapisode 3                                          Previous Chapisodes:   1    2

"Our Hero Goes Job Hunting"

(TREY and DAD driving home from the conference with the Guidance Counselor. They sit in silence for several minutes.)

Dad: "I told you she wouldn't like me."

Trey: "I don't know what you want me to say. Women happen not to like breast-ogling men."

Dad: "That's not true. If they didn't want us to look at the products, they wouldn't advertise them so much."

Trey: "So what are you saying, that they WANT us to look?"

Dad: "Exactly. They want you to see, but not to stare. They like teasing. You get it?"

Trey: "No, I don't get it. I don't get it at all. If I was wearing a tank top, and I saw a girl looking at my muscles, I wouldn't call her a pervert and walk away!"

Dad: "What I don't get is why they're always so surprised when they catch us peeking. What do they expect us to be looking at?:

Trey: "I bet that's why women understand things like decorating the house and feng shui, because they notice everything about every place they go into, while guys are too busy looking at breasts to notice anything else."

Dad: (laughs) "Speaking of noticing things, I noticed you're not going to college next year."

Trey: (sighs) "Apparently not. I swear, Dad, I didn't make that letter up."

Dad: "Well, then, it looks like someone else did."

Trey: "Couldn't we have dialed the wrong number? I mean, his writing was horrible!"

Dad: "Bad handwriting won't keep you out of a computer's College Locator Program."

Trey: "Well over the weekend, I'm going to try calling that number again, and any number I'm not sure about, I'm going to try every digit in that place until I get the number I'm looking for."

Dad: "Good luck with that. You'll end up with blisters and won't be able to hold ever again."

Trey: "Good point. I guess I can check the Internet for every college on Staten Island."

Dad: "That's what she did! What makes you think you'll find something when she didn't?"

Trey: "Well I would just ask her to try again, but now I can't even meet with her again, thanks to you!"

Dad: "Oh, yeah, it's all my fault. I'm heartbroken here, Trey, do you really have to rub it in?"

Trey: "Yes! Yes I do, because this woman was handling my future, and now I can't even meet with her! Or, talk to her. I guess it wouldn't really be 'meeting' her, I've already met her, I mean, I know her. Why is it still called a meeting if you already know the person?"

Dad: "You change subjects so randomly."

Trey: "Isn't that what 'meet' means? It's really a one-time thing, isn't it?"

Dad: "You know, that's never crossed my mind."

Trey: "And if you have a meeting with someone, don't you already know them? Like, 'Oh, I've got a big meeting with the boss!' Isn't that, you know, a lie?"

Dad: "I suppose you could not know your boss."

Trey: "So who hired you?"

Dad: (sighs) "Speaking of work, if you aren't going to college next year, you're going to have to get a job."

Trey: "What? Are you serious? Come on, Dad, it's not like you need the money."

Dad: "What I need is my privacy. I'm not going to let you stay home all day and do nothing!"

Trey: "Isn't that exactly what you do?"

Dad: "Yes. And I don't need any help doing it."

Trey: (upset, but gives in) "Fine, I'll get a job over the summer."

Dad: "Oh no. By the summertime, every other kid in town who isn't going to college in the fall will be looking for a job, too. This is a process that starts today."

Trey: "TODAY?"

Dad: "Today! In fact, as soon as we get home, you're checking the classifieds."

Trey: "Are you kidding? I'm not exactly having the best day of my life here."

Dad: "Would you like me to take you back to school instead?"

Trey: (grudgingly) "Fine, it starts today." (fade)

(Later that day, at HOME - TREY and DAD are sitting at the kitchen table, looking at the newspaper classifieds)

Trey: "Here's one that looks interesting: 'GIANTS WANTED! Sales Giants, that is.'"

Dad: "I don't believe you fit the description."

Trey: "Imagine some guy bigger than two Shaqs put together going door-to-door, "FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL A PROSPECTIVE CLIENT!"

Dad: "Probably wouldn't make much of a commission."

Trey: You know, as a giant, you don't really have a lot of options. You can either be a basketball player or a giraffe feeder."

Dad: "Well, anyway, you're not a giant. Try and find a job for normal people this time, okay?"

Trey: "Oh, giants aren't normal? What are you, sizist? You have something against midgets, too?"

Dad: "No, I have nothing against people of different vertical orientation than myself. I'm just saying it wouldn't be a good job for you."

Trey: "Well, there don't appear to be a lot of good jobs for me. Judging by the classifieds, unless I become a truck driver or a bartender, I'm probably not going to get hired by anyone that pays much better than minimum wage."

Dad: "Come on, Trey, there's got to be something for you in there!"

Trey: "No, there's really not. I wish everything didn't start with 'Help Wanted.' I mean, you're taking out an ad in the classified section, isn't that implied?"

Dad: "Maybe it's a subliminal hint, the newspaper editors want people to aid felons who are on the run from the cops."

Trey: (laughs) "I think, what they should do, is if the ad has been in the paper for more than, say, a week, they ought to change the headline to 'Help Needed.' That way people have a reference point, you know, they can tell just how desperate a company really is. There should be an ad in the classified section for someone who will come in and redo the classified section, I'd be all over that job."

Dad: "You know, maybe the classifieds aren't the best option for you. Why not just spend the weekend going around town and looking to see what places need help?"

Trey: "Does that mean I can stop this now?"

Dad: "I suppose."

Trey: "THANK YOU! Hey, how about we go get some dinner?"

Dad: "Already? It's pretty early."

Trey: "Well, the classifieds are right after the food section."

Dad: "Fine with me. Anywhere special you had in mind?"

Trey: "Not really."

Dad: "Good. Come on, we're going to Hooters."

Trey: (excitedly) "Seriously?"

Dad: "I can't get that guidance counselor out of my head." (fade)

(TREY and DAD arrive at Hooters. They wait in line to be seated.)

Trey: "Wow, there's a long line for a weekday afternoon."

Dad: "Well, in case this morning has taught you nothing, breast-ogling is not strictly a nighttime activity."

(A HOOTERS GIRL walks up to them - college age, attractive)

HG1: "Hello boys, my name's Tess. I'll be your hostess. Follow me."

Trey: (whispers to DAD) "So the hostess is a Tess, but is she also a Ho?" (they hi-five)

Tess: "Have a seat, boys, your waitress will be right with you." (she gives them menus)

Trey: "We couldn't just keep you around, could we?"

Tess: (blushes) "Well, I can't bring you your food. But...maybe I can serve you dessert." (she flashes a wicked smile, then walks away)

Trey: "Yup. She's a ho."

Dad: "I don't get it. You're half my age, not famous at all, and have absolutely crazy hair, but somehow, you can charm more women in a day than I can in a year."

Trey: "Situations. They can't shoot you down while they're working, or else they're being rude to the customer. And remember where we are. These girls get paid to flirt back."

Dad: "In that case, I think I'm glad we came."

Trey: (looking over menu) "Next time, we should come on a Tuesday."

Dad: "Why Tuesday?"

Trey: "Apparently they have a trivia contest on Tuesday nights. I bet we could win easily."

Dad: "Now that would be a good job for you, huh? Trivia aficionado?"

Trey: "Can you really make money from that?"

Dad: "Only on game shows."

(Another HOOTERS GIRL walks over to the table. She looks a bit...familiar.)

HG2: "Hello gentlemen, my name is Jordan and I will be your waitress this afternoon. Can I get you something to drink?"

Trey: "Jordan, huh? Funny, I thought you looked like a Taylor. I'm usually pretty good at guessing names, but I guess not this time."

Jordan: "Actually, Taylor's my last name! That's pretty strange."

Trey: "Well, like I said, I'm good. And to answer your question, Coke."

Dad: "I'll take a Coke, too."

Jordan: "Sorry guys, we only have Pepsi products. Is that alright with you?"

Trey: "If I say it's not, will it change anything?"

Jordan: "No."

Trey: "I didn't think so. You know what, I'm just gonna have a water."

Dad: "I'll take a Pepsi."

Jordan: "Alright guys, I'll be right back with those!" (she leaves)

Trey: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Dad: "No."

Trey: "I think that's my guidance counselor's sister!"

Dad: "What?"

Trey: "Didn't you notice? Her last name is Taylor!"

Dad: "Oh. No, actually, I was too busy focusing on her breasts."

Trey: "Wow, Dad, I can't take you anywhere, can I?"

Dad: "Do you really think it's her sister?"

Trey: "You didn't notice the...similarities? Clearly, you noticed one or two."

Dad: "I'll keep my eyes open."

Trey: "That shouldn't be too hard. By the way, figure out what you're eating so you know by the time she comes back."

Dad: "Good idea, so I don't have to be looking at the menu while she's standing in front of me in all her majesty."

Trey: "I think I'm gonna get a burger."

Dad: "Really? I thought this place was known for its wings."

Trey: "I think it's the breasts more than the wings that bring people in."

Dad: "You don't say."

(JORDAN returns, drinks in hand.)

Jordan: "Here you go, a Pepsi and a water. Do you guys know what you want to eat?"

Trey: "I'm just gonna get a burger and fries. Dad?"

(DAD, staring at JORDAN's breasts, does not respond.)

Trey: "DAD!"

Dad: "Oh...um...breasts...chicken...wings! I'll have the wings!"

( JORDAN gives him an awkward look, then walks away)

Dad: "Dammit, I did it again, didn't I?"

Trey: "Oh yeah."

Dad: "I'm sorry."

Trey: "Don't let it happen again. By the way, do you think they look alike, or not?"

Dad: "I think they look alike. I know some women have one slightly bigger than the other, but hers appear to be pretty symmetrical."

Trey: "I wasn't talking about her breasts, Dad. I meant, does she look like my guidance counselor?"

Dad: "Oh. I don't know, my eyes still haven't gotten past her breasts."

Trey: "Whatever. I'm going to the bathroom."

(TREY leaves the table. He is gone for about 10 minutes. By the time he returns, the food has been served.)

Dad: "What happened to you?"

Trey: "Oh, it was great. Remember Tess the Hostess? She followed me to the bathroom. When I got out, she was waiting outside the door. We made out for about five minutes. She gave me her number and told me to call her over the weekend."

Dad: "Does she have a mother?"

Trey: "What?"

Dad: "Find out if she has a mother."

Trey: "Alright." (pause, TREY strokes his chin as if deep in thought) "Yes, she has a mother."

Dad: "But does she have a mother who's single and attractive?"

Trey: "Hang on." (pause, TREY strokes his chin again) "That I don't know."

Dad: "Well see if you can find out. The day's not over, I'm still employing you as my wingman."

Trey: "I'll ask her over the weekend. Alright?"

Dad: "Good. Now eat."

(JORDAN walks over)

Jordan: "Gentlemen, anything I can get for you?"

Trey: "Question. Is this Aquafina?"

Jordan: "No, it's just tap water."

Trey: "Ah. I thought you only had Pepsi products?"

Jordan: "We do only have Pepsi products."

Trey: "See, saying that led me to believe that when I ordered a water, I'd be getting Pepsi's version of water."

Jordan: "Well, I'm sorry for having misled you. Just because we carry Pepsi products doesn't mean we carry ALL Pepsi products."

Trey: "It's alright. I guess that means we're fine right now, thank you."

(JORDAN backs away from the table slowly, shaking her head in disbelief)

Trey: "Dad, I think you're drooling."

Dad: "I am, and I don't know if it's from the wings or the breasts."

Trey: "Well she's gone - is the drool?"

Dad: "Yup."

Trey: "There's your answer."

Dad: "You know, between the food, the trivia, and the waitresses, I think we're definitely coming back on Tuesday night. In fact, we should make it a weekly thing."

Trey: "Like a father-son bonding kind of thing?"

Dad: "Sure, if you want to call it that. You know what? You should try to get a job here."

Trey: "Like you said before, Dad - I don't believe I fit the description."

Dad: "Maybe you could get them to put Aquafina on the menu."

(JORDAN returns)

Jordan: "Are you guys going to have dessert today?"

(TREY looks at Tess, standing up front. She winks at him.)

Trey: "I think I've already had enough. Dad?"

(DAD is...well...you know)

Trey: "DAD!"

Dad: "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I drooling again?"

Trey: "We'll just take the check, please."

(JORDAN walks away laughing - fade)

(The Next Day - TREY wakes up to find DAD in a hurry to leave.)

Trey: "Hey, Dad, where are you going?"

Dad: "I'm going to New York for the weekend to meet up with an old friend. Don't worry, there's plenty of food."

Trey: "Wait. If you're going to the city, how am I supposed to get around town to look for a job?"

Dad: "I don't know - take the bus."

Trey: "Are you serious? See, this is why I need a car."

Dad: "I told you, I'm not getting you a car."

Trey: "That is so unfair! What good is a rich dad if he won't buy you anything?"

Dad: "I'll tell you what. If you have a job by the time I get back from New York, I'll buy you a car."

Trey: "Really?"

Dad: "Really. Now I have to go. Good luck." (DAD walks out the front door - fade.)

(Later that day - TREY is walking to the nearest city bus stop when he sees a bus approaching. He starts running, but it doesn't stop. He begins walking, with no specific destination in mind. After a few blocks, he arrives at a large building with the word 'Unemployment' above the door. He goes in to talk with the receptionist.)

Trey: "Hello. I'm unemployed, am I in the right place?"

Receptionist: "How old are you?"

Trey: "17."

Receptionist: "I don't think you're in the right place, son."

Trey: "Well, I'm unemployed. And I really need a job. Like, this weekend."

Receptionist: "Son, this is the unemployment agency. We're here for people who have been laid off or are too injured to work. We give them money until they're able to find work again. You're too young and too healthy to qualify."

Trey: "Oh, come on, there's got to be something you can set me up with. I don't need a great job, just a job."

Receptionist: "I'd like to help you out, son, but we just don't have enough people working here to respond to the individual needs of each person who comes in."

Trey: "Are you kidding me?'

Receptionist: "No. Why, did I say something funny?"

Trey: "This is the UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. You've got dozens, if not hundreds, of people that must come in here every day looking for a job. And you're trying to tell me that you don't have enough people working here to help them all out? Why not hire some of the people who come in looking for work?"

Receptionist: "It's not that simple, son."

Trey: "I don't understand why not. It seems to me that this place is not run very efficiently."

Receptionist: "You've never had a job before, have you?"

Trey: "No."

Receptionist: "You're not going to like it. Trust me." (fade)

Currently Listening No Pads, No Helmets...Just Balls By Simple Plan "Perfect" see related

Super Bowl Thoughts Well

☼ Check out the Wikipedia page of the Patriots' Special Teams Coach, Brad Seely. I'm pretty sure that the 'personal' section isn't entirely accurate...

☼ Congratulations to Jerome Collins. Who? The former Notre Dame tight end/linebacker who just won his second straight Super Bowl. He was on the IR for the Colts last year, and after they let him go, the Giants signed him to the practice squad. After losing Jeremy Shockey for the year, the Giants promoted Collins to the active roster, and although you won't find him in the box score, this one has to feel even more satisfying than last year's. He's like the next Gale Gilbert, except his team wins.

☼ How about some love for Jeff Feagles? 20 years in the NFL, and he finally gets to the Super Bowl. And what a homecoming - not only did he start his career with the Patriots, but he went to high school in Phoenix. Not bad for the oldest Super Bowl champion ever.

☼ Apparently people are making a big deal about Bill Belichick walking off the field with one second still on the clock. But trust me, it's going to get bigger. Remember the last regular season game Moss played as a Viking, where he walked off the field with two seconds left? I'm willing to bet money that before the week is up, someone is going to write an article about how Moss got criticized so harshly for doing that while Belichick is getting nowhere near the same amount of abuse and - wait for it - somebody, SOMEBODY, is going to make this a race issue. How do I know? Because this happens all the time in the beastly world of sports journalism. Anyone willing to take that bet? I didn't think so. I guess you know it's probably going to happen, too.

☼ Although most people, including whoever wrote that last paragraph, want to bring up Belichick's premature evacuation of the premises, I found what happened right beforehand much more significant. Sportswriters love to make a big deal about Belichick's gruff demeanor, his millisecond-long handshakes, his apparent lack of emotion. But Belichick's handshake with Tom Coughlin, ill-timed though it may have been, had to bring back some memories for both men. They coached together under Bill Parcells with the Giants for three seasons, the last one of which ended in a Super Bowl win (Wide Right, anybody?). Belichick was then hired as coach of the Cleveland Browns, where he won only one playoff game in five seasons - over Bill Parcells (really?) and the Patriots (yes, really) in 1994. Meanwhile, Coughlin had taken over at Boston College, where he coached for three seasons before being hired to be the head coach of the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars. Coughlin took the Jaguars to the AFC Championship game in just their second season, a remarkable achievement, although they failed to win, losing to Bill Parcells (really?) and the Patriots (yes, really). Belichick and Coughlin would both eventually be fired from those jobs, but redemption has been served. And as much as it must hurt to lose the Super Bowl, given their past relationship, it's safe to say there's no other coach out there Belichick would want to win the big game more than Tom Coughlin.

☼ Yup, another good old New York-Boston lovefest.

☼ By the way, between losing this game and the whole 'Spygate' situation, Belichick's going to have plenty of motivation for next season. Throw in the fact that the Patriots play in the least competitive division in football, and I could certainly see them having another incredible season. Maybe not undefeated, but how about 14-2 and a Super Bowl title?